Am feeling that the recovery process is relatively easier this time. Maybe because I have rehearsed it with myself so many times. It’s funny actually. But what’s helping a lot is the finding back of myself. The rationale, thinking and logical being, that’s me. You were sucking my dry. My salary every month went to your transport, your food, your cravings, and most probably some of the things for your new boyfriend. In the three years with you, I have not only spent every single cent I earned, I have also eroded whatever savings I had before knowing you while I was working. If you take out everything in your life that I gave to you, in the belief that making your life better was part of my role as a lifelong companion (which you have not removed everything), I sure hope you can still cope. Reason it out, you are the most materialistic guy ever, shielded by inflated self-worth, because I made you feel important. Perhaps that’s what they mean by love is blind.
Now that I have set my goals for myself, and financial recovery being a key component, let me embark on a road to recovery, to a stronger, better self. But in the mean time, I hope my emotional spams will lessen. And the song that almost made me lose it today:
After D-Day, I guess that was it. No more contact, we shall walk our separate ways. As much as I miss you, you have betrayed me time and again. It is impossible for us to stay together. Not in the way you want, where you get whatever you want, and I will always be the loser. I gave so much and received little back. I wasn’t complaining until you can blatantly cause all these hurt to me. The pain I gave you in one day, I tell you, was only a tiny fraction of what you gave me.
I wished you had gone on to do what you set out to, burn something in front of my house. I would have called the police. Yes I would. You are just like your brother. I guess it all runs in the family. It’s the classic: I should have known.
Now, in comparison, my first one was an angel. He at least had the guts to not lead me on, and settled all bills on dutch. For all these, I now found a new respect for him. And I did things to him far worse than you, and all the more now, I regret treating him the way I did. You made me realise how much integrity he had. I was wrong, about you.
Last night was a sleepless night. My mind was in a mess. And throughout the day, I was having emotional spasms. It worked both ways that work was especially hectic. And thanks to Lawrie, I hope this is one friend I will have forever in my life. Friends, I do need more of them. Sluts and bastards like you, hopefully no more.
Three years and three months. And that’s it. Yes, perhaps I did something that made it irreversible, but I don’t think I will regret it. You were making use of me, leeching me of my moola every step. you were scared perhaps for me to break all ties for fear that I would get all the money back from you and told your parents. So yea, that was what I did.
I cannot imagine that while we were supposedly celebrating our 3rd anniversary in KL, you have already started a new relationship. And I had to buy snacks for your new boyfriend. And every time you travel to meet him, date him, stay with him, I paid for your transport. I asked you who is Fat Fat and Ah Fat, you had the guts to tell me it’s you and me. And later you can actually say, I shouldn’t have ask. You said you don’t feel the love, you claimed I am busy and I have a temper. From your love messages, you tolerated the same thing from him. You said you have not done anything with him, yea right, what’s with the lube and staying over in his room. Don’t forget how dirty you are having been drunk raped before. You refused all physical contact with me, and claimed that you have turned off to dicks. My ass.
You cheated me of my feelings, my money, and you want me to stay in your life forever. For what? To be cheated over and over again? When I wanted to work things out, all I got from you was “I have nothing more to say about these things anymore.” Great, you want to burn the bridge, let’s burn it together.